Back in the day (when I was but a young boy) a man called George Lucas released a film called Star Wars. And it was good. And then he followed it up with The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. This much you know already.
Then, on the 20th anniversary of Star Wars, Mr Lucas did some tinkering with the original films. He added in some bits that had been cut out, and he re-did the special effects. I went to see them all again at the cinema. And this too was good. Nice to be able to see them in the cinema, and the new additions were fun – if a bit unnecessary.
And then, a couple of years ago, the trilogy was finally released on DVD. Legions of Star Wars fans rushed out and bought them. And then it transpired that our man George had messed with the films again! He had added in some more stuff to make them match with episodes 1 to 3 – things like getting Ian McDiarmid to play the emperor in Empire and Hayden Christiansen to be Anakin Skywalker at the end of Jedi. Collectively, the fans breathed a slightly disappointed sigh and begrudgingly accepted it.
And then – oh praise be to Mr Lucas – news broke of the DVD release of the ORIGINAL ORIGINAL ORIGINAL versions being released on DVD. The ones that everyone remembered and loved. The ones with the clunky effects, without the ridiculous fireworks at the end of Jedi, the ones where Jabba the Hutt was never in A New Hope, and the ones where Greedo doesn’t shoot first (Han Solo’s a bastard… yeah, get over it).
So the DVDs are now here, available to buy. And have I gone out rushing to get them so that I can enjoy the pure unadulterated versions in the comfort of my own home? Have I feck. And why not? I shall tell you.
These are two-disc editions. The first disc contains EXACTLY THE SAME SPECIAL EDITIONS THAT I ALREADY OWN. Now, this may be worth ignoring if disc two had the original film on it as promised. But that would be too simple. Disc two does indeed have the original version on, but it’s in CRAPPY LETTERBOXED WIDESCREEN and not anamorphic, and the sound is GODAWFUL DOLBY STEREO and not digital 5.1.
Mr Lucas. It is official. You’ve lost the plot. You money grabbing bastard. True fans will just have to wait a bit longer before he deigns to grace us with the not-screwed-about-with originals.
How can the man that brought us all so much joy give us so much pain and frustration too? Mind you, he thought Jar Jar Binks was a good idea.